Convictions

This past week was hard, plain and simple.  I have what I call my “flesh” days and by that I mean, the days where my flesh seems to be winning over my spirit.  Well, let’s just say that I had a number of those this week.  I’ve been struggling a lot with figuring out what comes after August, as I talked about in my last post, I hate the unknown, and that has been rearing its ugly head this week.  I’ve also been struggling with jealousy.  I know it’s stupid and I hate it, but it’s there.  There are times when something good happens to a friend and I’m genuinely happy for them, but in the back of my mind I’m going, “Ok God, when is it my turn?”  The last thing I’ve been really struggling with is the fact that I have these God given desires and yet it seems that God is never going to fulfill those desires.  I know that God gives those who delight in Him the desires of their hearts (Psalm 37:4), but it’s that waiting game which is so hard for me.  I know God’s timing is perfect and I know He has great plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11), but sometimes it’s just hard for me to trust Him even though I can look back on my life and see how God has worked all things for good (Romans 8:28).  I know all these things and I truly do believe them wholeheartedly, but as I said before, sometimes my flesh just seems to win.  Today at church we talked about 1 John 2:15-16 which says, “Do not love the world nor the things in the world.  If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.  For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.”  I was so convicted of how I’ve put the lust of the flesh and eyes and the boastful pride of life, which are of the world, above God and the things that He wants for me.  I let my flesh (the things of the world) become more important than God.  It is because of those times that my flesh seems to be winning that I am so thankful for God’s promises such as the one found in Lamentations 2:22-23 “The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness,” and Ephesians 4:22-24 where it talks about how we are to lay aside the old self and put on the new self “which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.”  Yes, I am a sinner in need of God’s grace, just like everyone else.  I think I sometimes forget that.  I get so frustrated with myself when I sin, and yes, I should hate my sin, but how prideful of me to think that I won’t sin.  So let me say it again, I am a sinner in need of God’s grace.  So there will be times when my flesh wins out, but let us all take heart in the fact that Jesus’ blood covers it all, and we are made new.  As I type this I look at my ring that I got in Israel; engraved in Hebrew are the words “new creation”.  I got “new creation” engraved on my ring to remind me of 2 Corinthians 5:17 which states, “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.”  I am in Christ, therefore I am a new creation.  I am not the same person that I used to be.  The sanctification process is hard, but it is a beautiful thing. 

Despite this being a hard week for me, God did some pretty cool things.  First of all, Wednesday morning Ansley Ruth Hampsch was born.  I’m so beyond excited for Chad and Cat; they are seriously some of the best parents I know.  I got to go over to their house Friday afternoon after Cat and Ansley got back from the hospital which was so great.  I got to spend quality time with now three of my favorite kiddos.  Ansley was sleeping when I got there so I got to play with Mylee until she went to basketball, then I got to hold Ansley, and then I got to play with Isaac.  I also got to stay for dinner which is always such a blessing.  Not only was it fun to get to see Cat and the kids, but Chad’s parents were in town and I just adore them and Cat’s mom was also in town and it was such a treat to spend time with all of them.  Also, Wednesday night when I got to AWANA, one of my girls told me about how she told a girl at school about Jesus and that girl accepted Christ!  Humbled by the way a 4^th grader (plus so many of the other kids) so willingly and boldly shares their faith.  Today when I was talking to her she was telling me about how she was going to invite the girl who accepted Christ to AWANA this week.  I know sometimes I complain and sometimes it’s hard, but I truly am blessed by my community here in Branson.  

Change

If you know anything about me, you probably know that I hate change.  I like order and structure and having a routine because if I’m honest with myself, it makes me feel safe.  I like knowing what to expect, because I’m a worrier.  Well change seems to be the theme of being back in Branson.  I knew that things would be different, but it doesn’t necessarily make it any easier.  Two of my fellow interns and dear friends are not coming back this semester.  While I’m so excited to see where God takes each of them and to see what He’s going to do through them, I hate that they’re not here.  I miss them immensely.  Branson just isn’t the same without them. 

I’m also starting to realize that I have absolutely no idea what I will be doing come mid-August, nor do I have any idea what I even want to be doing.  I think I would be ok if I at least had an idea of what I want to do, but honestly, when people ask me what I’m thinking for next year, my mind draws a blank.  I know that I want to serve God and glorify Him and to be faithful where I’m at, but as far as what I’ll be doing for a job as I do that, no stinkin’ clue.  At first it was slightly exhilarating, having nothing tying me down, and having a blank canvas, but now, as it usually does, that blank page is freaking me out.  I think it’s because part of me is saying that I need to start figuring out what I’m going to be doing, but the other part of me is thinking what is the point if I am committed through mid-August. 

There is a ton of other stuff running through my head at this point, but I’ll spare you.  But one thing that I want to stress through this change and uncertainty is that God is good and He will never change.  I am taking heart in the fact that God knows my future.  He has a plan that is so much greater than I could ever imagine and His timing is perfect.  While yes, in some ways I wish I knew what the future was going to look like, I know that He is in control.  Right now I’m reminded of something that we talked about last year during our Abraham Precept study.  We talked about how so often we want to know what’s ahead of us, what’s in store for us, but if Abraham had known everything that he was going to go through, do you think he would have gone as willingly as he did?  I’m not sure he would have, just like I’m not sure I would want to, but I do know that God wants what is best for me and so I trust Him with my entire being.  Is it scary?  Yes.  Is it worth it?  Definitely.  

And so it continues

Well, obviously I haven’t gotten any better at this blogging thing, in fact I think it’s safe to say that I’ve gotten much worse at it.  Something I’ve known about myself for awhile now but am continually reminded of and trying to get better at is the way I always have great intentions of doing something, but I’m terrible with follow through.  This is something that I can only get better at one thing at a time, so here I am updating my blog for the first time in about 3 months.  So much has happened since my last blog that I can’t even begin to go back and recount it all, but would still love to give you an update on what is happening in my life and the things that God is teaching me. 

I’m on my fourth month of my internship with the Kanakuk Institute.  It is crazy to think that in 1 week I will be heading home for a couple weeks off for Christmas break.  I cannot believe that the first semester is really coming to an end.  It’s been so cool to get to know some of the students and continue relationships with others.  It’s also been really cool to see how this class challenges me through their actions.  My internship is going well, I love that I get to serve the Institute and that I get to work alongside such awesome people.  I love that I get to continue going to family dinner at the Hampsch’s every Thursday night.  Something new that I’ve been doing is that I’m in a volleyball league at the RecPlex on Thursday nights.  It’s been really fun getting to be out there playing a game that I love (even if I’m not the best at it).  Next week is the tournament and then the volleyball season will come to a close.  I have also loved getting to continue serving at FBC Forsyth.  I absolutely adore my AWANA girls and am challenged by the way they are memorizing the Word.  I’m also challenged by the kids at Kid’s World on Sunday mornings while this month they are learning how to share the Gospel and then taking it to their schools.  Some of these kids have no fear and then there are others who are terrified, but they are still willing to do what God has called each and every one of us to do, share Him with those who don’t know Him.  Another fun(ny) thing that I’m getting to do at church is that me and the other two children’s interns are helping the kids with their Christmas concert at church and by helping I mean that we are in charge of them.  They’re just singing a couple songs with the adult choir so it isn’t too hard, just an adventure for sure.  It’s always an adventure when God takes you out of your comfort zone.

One thing I’ve realized lately is that I’m so far from being content.  Now let me try to explain without going into too much detail.  I’m learning/reaffirming things in my life this year and just different desires that God has given me, but yet I’m no closer to having those desires met so I’m struggling to figure out what that means for being faithful where I’m at and also for the unknown that is my future come April.  My life is so far from where I thought it would be and honestly sometimes I struggle with that.  But let me tell you, God is good and boy does He convict when necessary!  Today I was reading in my little devotional, Grace for the Moment, that my dear friend Xuan gave me over the summer and boy was I convicted.  This is what I read for December 9^th (yes, I realize today is the 10^th but I was a day behind, which I now realize was a good thing because I think I needed yesterday to realize just how much I was not content):  Philippians 4:11 “I have learned to be satisfied with the things I have and with everything that happens.”  “Test this question:  What if God’s only gift to you were His grace to save you.  Would you be content?  You beg Him to save the life of your child.  You plead with Him to keep your business afloat.  You implore Him to remove the cancer from your body.  What if His answer is, ‘My grace is enough.’  Would you be content?  You see, from heaven’s perspective, grace is enough.  If God did nothing more that save us from eternal life, dare we grumble at an aching body?  Having been given heavenly riches, dare we bemoan earthly poverty?...   If you have eyes to read these words, hands to hold this book, the means to own this volume, He has already given you grace upon grace.”  All I can say is, “Wow!”  What a punch in the gut, but exactly what I needed, because honestly, I can’t say that I’m content with just my eternal salvation, but let me tell you that I’m going to be working on that, because let’s be honest, I don’t even deserve that!  But even after that God wasn’t done with me.  I opened my Bible to Psalm 73 and believe me when I say I was convicted from the beginning but especially when I got to verses 25-28.  This is what it reads, “Whom have I in heave but You?  And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  For, behold, those who are far from You will perish; You have destroyed all those who are unfaithful to You.  But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all Your works.”  Wow!  “Whom have I in heaven but You?  And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.”  Man I wish I could truly say that!  I know that it is true, but it’s one of those things that is so hard to put into action.  I pray that I will remember that God is more than enough for me and that I am nothing and having nothing apart from Him.  Thank you God, that Your word is sharper than any two-edged sword (Hebrews 4:12).

So there you have it, a little life update and what God is teaching me.  I love that there is always more to learn and that I can always grow.  Please be praying that I will learn to be content in God alone and remember that He is all that I need.  Pray for the Christmas concert at FBC Forsyth tonight and tomorrow and for the Kid’s World kiddos as they tell their friends about God.  Please also be praying for the Institute students; that they would finish this semester out strong and that God will use them in mighty ways, especially as they go their separate ways over Christmas break.  Pray for safe travels as people travel all over for Christmas and that during this Christmas season that God will be glorified and recognized as the “reason for the season” because let’s be honest, He is. 

The Journey Continues

I have kind of taken a hiatus from my blogging but here I am once again.  After spending another amazing, yet stretching, summer at K7 I am back in Branson interning for the Kanakuk Institute.  I’m working 20 hours a week for the Institute and am currently looking for a part time job outside of that.  I am so excited for this journey that God is taking me on though.  I am getting to work alongside some great friends that did the Institute with me as well the Institute staff who I love dearly, all while getting to serve a ministry that is so dear to me.  My internship is doing some recruitment stuff, I get to plan trips, maybe go on some trips, and then follow up with the people we meet and hopefully start living life with them and giving them a glimpse of what the Institute is all about and what God is doing in and through this place.  While I’m excited for my job and seeing how God is going to stretch me through this experience, I really love getting to live life with another Institute class.  I was blessed to have already known quite a few of the students this year and am already loving the relationships that are forming with the students that I didn’t know coming into it.  I have loved seeing what God is already doing and am excited to see what else He is going to do in and through this class.  Today was their first day of internships and it was so fun getting to be a part of the interns’ at FBC Forsyth first day.  Forsyth has a stud group of interns which of course excites me because that is another place that has become so dear to me over the past year.  I am once again helping with 3^rd and 4^th grade girls at AWANA on Wednesday nights and am excited to continue pouring into my girls from last year as well as some new ones.  I have also been presented with a couple other opportunities to serve on Sunday mornings which I am in the process of praying through.  My original plan was to help with Kids World again and that is one option but I also have the option of teaching 3^rd and 4^th grade Sunday school every other week or even the option of doing a bit of both.  I’m just trying to seek God’s wisdom in it all before I just jump in there. 

I love that while even though I am no longer a student at the Institute that my learning isn’t stopping.  I’ve been really challenged by 1 Thessalonians 4:1 lately.  It says, “Finally then, brethren, we request and exhort you in the Lord Jesus, that as you received from us instruction as to how you ought to walk and please God (just as you actually do walk), that you excel still more.”  No matter what good I’m doing, there is always room for improvement.  It goes back to a point in the sermon at church today on Isaiah 6:1-8, when Isaiah called out that he was a man of unclean lips, it was because he was in the presence of God.  We never fully realize our sin until we stand in the presence of our Holy God.  But more importantly than that, we have hope!  Just as the angel took the live coal from the altar and pressed it to Isaiah’s lips and said that he was forgiven, Christ paid the price when He died on the cross for our sins and then rose on the third day to conquer death.  We have hope!  And if we believe that, we are forgiven because of what Christ did for us.  Another really neat point in the sermon today comes from verse 1, it starts out “In the year that King Uzziah died…” and then goes to talk about how Isaiah saw God and that shows that while the throne on earth might have been empty, the throne in heaven is never empty.  It was really neat because right now Forsyth is searching for a new senior pastor and the “throne on earth is empty” but not so in heaven, God is still on His throne, He is still in control.  Such a comforting thing to remember. 

Well, I’m sure I could go on and on about what God is doing and what I’m learning, but I just wanted to give you a glimpse into life for me right now.  As I’ve said, I’m really excited about the journey that God has me on and love sharing it with you.  Now for a few prayer requests:  Please be praying that I find a part time job, pray that FBC Forsyth will find a new pastor, pray that I will grow in my role as recruiter which will be sure to stretch me, and pray for the Institute class of 2012, that they will be open to the things that God wants to do in them and through them, that this won’t just be a year of increasing their knowledge but a step toward living a life that is completely sold out for Christ.  Also a few praises:  That God continues to provide even if it may not be in ways I expect, for the community that God has blessed me with here in Branson, the work that is being done here for the cause of Christ, and for the 4 precious kiddos who got baptized at FBC Forsyth today.  Thank you in advance for your prayers and please let me know if there is anything I can be praying about for you!

I'm all about bulleted lists these days...

.... so instead of a real update, you get a quick little list of updates in my life.

1. I will officially be in Branson next year!  Huge praise especially considering the amount of stress I will be under the next week.  I got an internship with the Institute, no idea what I'll be doing yet, that part comes after this next week but before graduation.
2. I'm no longer going to be doing the UC/babysitter combo at kamp this summer.  I'm on K-7's leadership team filling the role of scheduler/store manager.  Excited but nervous!
3. Which leads me to the fact that I have Leadership weekend next weekend.
4. The process of writing my belief statements is complete as of about 30 minutes ago!
5. Belief Statement panel is Wednesday at 2:40 pm.  Please be praying that I won't be anxious!
6. Grammy and Granddaddy are going to be in town this week along with Cara and Aly for a little.
7. Once I make it through Leadership weekend, I get to play for a week with my dear Institute friends!
8. Graduation is exactly 2 weeks away!  Ah!  I'm not ready for this!

Ummm... I think that's the majors.  These next two weeks are going to be crazy so I don't know if I'll have time for a real update.  Also, sorry I haven't put Israel pictures up either, that will probably come after graduation as well.  Thanks so much for being involved in my life! 

Israel Pictures

Jezreel Valley/Valley of Megiddo - so cool to think about the fact that this is where it all ends!

Sea of Galilee

Sea of Galilee from the Mount of Beatitudes

Alison and I at En Gedi

Floating in the Dead Sea

Overlooking Jerusalem

Praying at the Western Wall

Prayers shoved in the Western Wall

Golgotha

All that really matters...

The Kolters and I in front of the Garden Tomb wearing our RISE shirts (check it out at http://www.risecollective.us/)

Back from Israel!

Another really long overdue update.  So much has happened since my last update so I will try to be concise but also hit the major points.  As far as class goes since my last update we had Keith teach Philippians one week and then the next week we had Pete Deison come and speak on the Holy Spirit.  The next week was Spring Break which we will get to that later.  This week we have had Charles Stolfus here walking us through the book of Hebrews which has been great.

Besides class stuff I honestly can’t remember much of what happened the couple of weeks before Spring Break.  I remember the week before break was madness because I was trying to get a ton of stuff done before I left for Israel.  Oh yes, my family and the Burns family came to visit the weekend before I left for Israel and I had an amazing time with them.  So great to spend time with friends and family and to just be refreshed by these amazing people that God has placed in my life.  These past few weeks have been really cool because God is just reminding me of all the ways that He has blessed me.  

Ok, Israel, here we go.  Let me just start out by saying that it was the trip of a lifetime!  When people ask me about Israel, I really don’t even know where to begin because there is just so much.  God used that trip to teach me a lot of things that I thought I already understood and it was so cool to get to see things first hand and to get a better picture of the land and the culture and just everything!  The first couple of days we spent in the northern part of Israel around the Sea of Galilee.  We went to Caesarea by the sea, Mt. Carmel and overlooked the Jezreel Valley (aka the Valley of Megiddo), rode a boat on the Sea of Galilee, went to Capernaum, the Mount of Beatitudes, the Jordan River, and the Golan Heights.  The third day we went to Beth-shean (aka Scythopolis which was one of the cities of the Decapolis), Qumran (where they found the Dead Sea Scrolls), En Gedi (a little oasis in the Judean desert), and rode camels (but actually dromedaries – look it up) at the Bedouin camp that we stayed at that night.  The next day we went to Masada, spent the afternoon at the Dead Sea, and then drove to Jerusalem.  The next 2 days were jammed packed with seeing sights all around Jerusalem.  We went to the Mount of Olives, the Garden of Gethsemane, Hezekiah’s tunnel, Mt. Zion, the Upper Room, the Western Wall (aka the Wailing Wall), and then to the Hebrew University in Jerusalem for a lecture.  The next day (and last day) we started out visiting the Temple Mount which is where the Dome of the Rock is located and is controlled by the Muslims, so we got our Bibles confiscated there and had to hide any crosses that we might have along with a couple of other things people in our group got in trouble for (ex. having their elbows showing, touching while taking a picture), the Pools of Bethesda, walked part of the Via Dolorosa, went to the Garden Tomb and to Caiaphas’ house and then had a farewell dinner and headed to the airport.  Pretty much there is way too much for me to type out in this update but it was amazing.  I loved it all, but one thing that stuck out to me a lot was in the Garden of Gethsemane we got to see two olive trees next to each other, two completely separate entities, and then looking at an older olive tree which had obviously had multiple olive trees grafted in, and just seeing that I finally had a clear picture of what it means to be grafted in.  I also so first hand the hardening of the Jews hearts.  The fact that our tour guide, Roni, knew so much (in fact way more than I do) and yet still didn’t believe.  He would preach the gospel without even realizing it.  It just made me realize that knowledge is not enough and there is nothing we can do or say but that it has to be the convicting of the Holy Spirit.  And while it is so sad to see these hardened hearts, I know that it is only because these hearts are hardened that we as Gentiles have the chance to be grafted in and that until the final number of Gentiles are grafted in, the Jews hearts will be hardened.  But it also made me remember the great importance of praying for the lost.  I also loved looking over Jerusalem from the Mount of Olives and seeing the things that the Muslims have done to “prevent” the coming of the Messiah/Jesus’ second coming.  First of all, the fact that they are doing things to try and prevent that shows that they know there is something greater!  Also, I think it’s funny/ironic/sad/whatever else you could say to describe it that they think that putting a Muslim cemetery in front of the Eastern gate and filling in the Eastern gates will keep Jesus from coming through them.  I mean come on!  My God is so much greater than that!  Anyway, I could go on for hours (just ask my family, we spent hours looking at my pictures).  If you want to know more, please ask, I would love to tell you about it!

Ok, I think those are the biggest things that have happened since my last update.  Time for prayer requests/praises:  Prayer for everyone at the Institute who are trying to figure out what comes next – specifically for me I’m still waiting to hear back about the internship with the Institute for next year and just recently a possibility for a part-time job for me for next year seems to have arisen and it’s something that I would absolutely love so pray that it would be God’s will for me!  Prayer that we finish the rest of our year out strong, hard to believe that there is only about a month yet.  We’re still working on belief statements and have panel the second to last week of the Institute.  Pray for Kanakuk and all of the kampers and staff that will be there this summer.  I’m so excited to be going back for the entire summer (minus a week for church camp that they have so graciously given me off).  The first half of the summer I’m going to be a UC (Unit Coordinator) and the second half I will be babysitting the Hampsch kiddos again.  These are the two jobs that I did last summer and I absolutely loved it so I’m excited to have the opportunity to do them again.  Some major praises – God continues to provide in His timing, I have received more financial support and it is so great to have that finish line in sight.  His provision never fails and His timing is perfect which is what I’m clinging to as far as waiting to find out stuff about next year.  God has really shown me His provision this year and that is something that I am extremely grateful for.  Praise that some friends are going to be in town this weekend.  Praise that I am continually blessed by my internship, the people I’m working alongside as well as the kiddos that I’m working with.  Praise that while this year has definitely had its rough spots, the growth has been worth every second of it.  (Side note – I was convicted at the Garden of Gethsemane while reading Jesus’ prayers before His arrest and crucifixion and just the way that He prayed for God’s will to be done and how rarely that is my prayer.  So that has become my prayer, that no matter what it takes, God will continually mold me into His image and that I will glorify Him through it all.)  The sanctification process is hard, but I know the end result is worth it. 

Thank you again for all the love, prayers, and support you have given me this year.  I couldn’t tell you thank you enough.  God has blessed me richly through your love and support.  I love you all so much!

I’ve added some pictures from my trip so hopefully you can see them and the captions.  I’ll hopefully have the rest of the pictures up on facebook in a couple of days.

Theater where Paul gave his defense before Felix, Festus, and Agrippa

Ok, so apparently this is the only picture it will let me add, hopefully more will come soon...